In the irony of me who enjoys togetherness with people, I find myself love having time to be alone. I can be a party guy, I can be a guy who goes to crowded places, I can be a guy who goes with his friends travelling here and there, I can be a guy who’s involved in organization, I can be a guy who goes to centre of the stage and become the spotlight of attention. But in other times, I can be a guy who avoids people in need to be alone. In other times, I can be a guy who avoids everyone in need to be alone.
I’m not the type of extrovert who can do chatter with people in many ways. I do able to have conversation with stranger easily, if I want to. With friends, I can chat so extremely crazy with extra loud laughters. But still, I gotta hide what I have to hide. I just can’t tell everything to anyone, even close friends. There is something that you can share, and there is something that is called secret. Secret is called secret because it’s secret and if it’s told to anyone, would it be still called secret?
I can tell I’m a person who think so much. Literally. I think too much. Sometimes I wonder whether there is a tool that can read how my brain works and you can see that my brain works too much for me. Well at least I think like that sometimes. When am I doing this too-much-thinking thing? When I’m all by myself. Sometimes it feels good, sometimes it’s not. My positive and negative sides of me battled so equally, I can say. How do I overcome this problem? Being busy, meet people, go with friends, do things that I can do to distract my thoughts. However, in fact, I need this side of me who enjoys to drown myself into the dark hole of quiet, silent, and lonely place. When the situation is getting worse, when the situation is out of control, when the situation is out of reach, when the situation is seems showing that everything’s going out of my hand, then that’s how I choose to be alone then, to calm myself, to think. Sometimes when I notice that no one has no purpose for me, no one is looking for me, then it’s the perfect time to be alone.
Most times, I’ll find myself with different thoughts for life after I withdraw myself from everyone. I’ll find myself changing.
As the time goes by, I’m just afraid that I’ll enjoy times of me being alone more and more. It’s gonna be hard, missing good people that we know. It’s gonna be hard, to hold the feeling of longing. Actually, we’re all will end up alone on our own after all. Even when you find your life living with your lover, you’ll end up separated by death. Being apart is a part of life.